For as Long as We Both Shall Live:

Keeping Couples Close When One Spouse Suffers from Dementia

By Savannah Helvey, Memory Care Manager at MorseLife Health System

It’s been another great season for wedding celebrations and a time when young couples with high hopes for their future embark on lifelong journeys together. Marriage is a long road with many beautiful twists and sometimes a few harrowing turns. For those that are fortunate to stay happily married for 50 years and beyond, it’s understandably hard to imagine being separated from a spouse with opposing care needs such as dementia.

I see this scenario often, however, and while it’s an extremely difficult time for the couples involved, there are opportunities and resources to handle both the marriage and each individual’s life with grace and dignity.  We often greet worried couples who have either (1) experienced an unmanageable incident at home that has forced them to seek outside assistance, or, (2) been asked to leave because the management of their independent or assisting living community has informed them that it cannot offer the care needed for the spouse suffering from dementia.  In both cases, the healthier spouse is generally reluctant to embrace a change that they personally don’t feel ready for, mentally or physically.

However, many modern senior living communities, like MorseLife, offer a full continuum of care – independent living, assisted living, short-term rehabilitation, long-term care, memory care, home health care, Program for All-Inclusive Care (PACE) and hospice – to meet the needs of older adults with varying health care needs. Just as importantly, they also offer residents a healthy dose of vitality with built-in social systems and educational, recreational and physical resources that keep older adults feeling younger, longer.  Communities like these are the ideal solution, offering couples the best of both worlds.

As I reflect on the many stories I have heard from our resident spouses, I have been moved by their daily commitment to visit their spouses in memory care and have listened intently to the many insights gained from their experiences.  Couples that are facing similar situations and who don’t know where to begin or what to do, may find some comfort in their perspectives.

“I didn’t mind being my wife’s caretaker, but when I was taken by ambulance to the hospital one day, I realized I couldn’t leave her alone and that she would have to come with me. The reality of the situation forced me to make a move I wasn’t personally ready for. Unfortunately, I made the move to an independent living facility that my wife quickly outgrew as her illness progressed. They turned us away and that is when I turned to MorseLife.  My wife lives in the memory care unit and I live in The Palace, an independent living residence that makes me feel like I am part of a family.”

Regardless of what community these couples ultimately choose, the key features that will ensure that the experience is a viable one is that they offer a continuum of care, and that they offer an independent living lifestyle that is lively, active and uplifting for the healthier spouse.

Another gentleman explained, “My decision to move my wife here was not easy.  I scheduled the move and then changed my mind twice.  We had a wonderful life together at home – friends, parties, two successful children and fulfilling careers. I stayed at home for the first year my wife was in memory care and drove to see her nearly every day from Boynton Beach after playing golf. In the evenings I would eat alone at a bar or restaurant. I was feeling tired and getting older myself so the decision to move to The Palace was a logical next step. People here are active and inclusive, and I don’t feel alone anymore. I get to see my wife every day and often we enjoy recreational activities and entertainment together in memory care which lightens the mood. My advice to anyone going through something like this is to choose a place where everyone knows your name.”

Cutting-edge memory care facilities provide a wide spectrum of mind-stimulating activities from ballroom dancing, to art and music which residents can enjoy both alone and with their visiting spouse. It’s important to visit senior communities several times, talk to the staff and residents, and experience all that they have to offer before making a final choice.

I often ask our resident couples, who are perceptibly still committed whole-heartedly to their marriage vows after so many years, what the key is to a healthy and happy marriage. The same themes are repeated time and again, “Treat your spouse with respect and give them the space to live their best life,” which is exactly what I see them living out each day at MorseLife.

The Second Time Around:
Sol and Edith Branman Making Life Worth Living

It was 1979.  Sol, an engineer from Sacramento, was legally separated from his wife and Edith, a librarian in Queens, had been divorced for many years.  A friend of Edith’s knew Sol and suggested the two meet for a blind date when he was visiting New York City.  They met at “Windows of the World” for dinner – he called her the next day – and according to Edith, “that was it!”  They married in December of that year.

After almost 40 years of marriage, the couple note that after so many years, they both make life worth living for each other.  Sol just celebrated his 100^th birthday on March 19^th and Edith will be 90 in June.  “What keeps me alive is Sol,” noted Edith.   “For all of these years, he has been both my physical and emotional support during the good and bad times.”

Sol notes that one of Edith’s traits is caring for others.  “She is always thinking about others before herself,” he said.  “She has always done that, in her work as an outreach literacy advocate for the library system in Queens, and personally, in the attention she pays to me, family and friends.”

After marriage, Sol and Edith Branman lived first in New Jersey and then bought a home in Queens, and years later, moved back to New Jersey when they both retired to live closer to his children.

“One nasty winter nearly 25 years ago, we decided we were sick of shoveling snow,” Edith noted.  “My daughter and son-in-law already lived in Miami, and we decided to buy a home in Boynton Beach.”

The Branman’s lived in their home for 15 years, and then thought it would be better to live in an all-inclusive senior community like The Tradition at MorseLife that would offer services and amenities, and help if and when they needed it.  “We thought the Tradition was ‘the best of the lot’ when we toured around,” she said.  “What got me first was the beautiful Jewish art work in the front lobby – just observing that upon entering, we knew we were home.”

Nine years later, the Branman’s enjoy their life together, and feel fortunate for the circle of friends they met at The Tradition right from the start.  “We enjoy playing cards, going out when we are well and participating in the activities,” Edith said.  “It is a lovely, supportive community.”

As for Sol’s secret to living to 100 years, he quips that it is “not dying.”  Edith notes that after almost four decades, they love each other like they did when they first met – always supporting each other and “making every day worth living.”

To learn more about extraordinary living at The Tradition at MorseLife and The Levin Tower, call 1-888-387-2372.